It's springtime here in the South--and I'm starting to feel the itch to get outside and make a fake little spot of Heaven in my front yard. This will be our fourth summer in this house, and I am hoping that--this time--I can get the grass to grow.

When we moved in, there was grass. Then as winter came, and spring, the grass didn't look so good. We watered it some, but it didn't seem to take. So I went out to have a look and found sod just sitting on top of something like fishing net. So I began to pull up the pieces of sod that didn't have any roots, and soon I found that our entire yard was one big fraud. None of the grass had taken root, instead we had grass tile! Trouble is, grass is organic by nature, and without roots reaching into the soil, it was all just dead hay. And so I pulled grass up like a brush excavating hair from Joe Comb-over.

I hit it hard the next spring, hiring TruGreen Chemlawn to come out and seed, aerate (I had never heard this term before), and maintain the yard. They gave me strict instructions that nary a leaf should rest on the soil, that said leaf should never be swept or raked, but only blown--and the grass should get water, lots and lots of water. I dutifully obeyed, and we had sprigs of life. But we did not have a lawn.

Then last spring, I fired the lawn guys and aerated myself with a hoe and spilled bags of seed and fertilizer and dirt on the ground. And what do you know? It started to grow. We even had four trees cut down that were shading our yard--and left four others to do the work of the eight. So how did it look? Now we had half a yard of grass.

So this year, we are going to sod, and aerate, and seed, and topsoil this sucker to death--and I am not going to take sprigs for an answer. And if it comes down to it, we have already picked out the fake stone border my wife is going to establish down the middle of the yard, where she will plant a flower bed on top of the grass that refuses to grow.

PS- On the corner is a neighbor whom we call "Mr. Perfect Yard." His lawn is immaculate, and I often drive by to see he and his wife walking gently over their haven picking up isolated leaves that have no doubt blown over from my mess. I am so jealous of him! They even had a moving sale this past weekend, and roped off their yard so that no one would cut across the grass!! Today I saw the moving truck, and now it is my secret hope that whoever moves in, restores this yard to an average family plot. I am so thankful there's not a "Yard of the Month" award on our block. Pray for me, please.